Tuesday, November 19, 2013

 
It's crowd time again in America. Our biggest shopping period is fast approaching; we're also in the middle of football season, and New Year celebrations are nearly around the corner. To say nothing of increased traffic as we drive from place to place.

What should be a joyful time will be just the opposite for some people; with end-of-the-year layoffs, people might be losing their jobs or having their hours cut back; perhaps a foreclosure is looming, funds for satisfying children's desires may be limited, and bills will be coming in.

So, as each of the celebratory events includes large crowds and heavy traffic, they converge with some frustrated, angry, alienated, desperate feeling individuals -- the perfect scenarios for shooters, seeing no other option than to use guns to vent their feelings as they end their lives. People may also increasingly resort to impulsive shootings in order to resolve differences. It's time go into Rehab, in order to get us back to a more peaceful society.

Unfortunately, we have no rehabilitation center qualified and able to accommodate the hugely significant number of Americans who should enter; therefore, putting ourselves in 'rehab' will help us to return our culture to some of the supportive communal qualities we used to enjoy before technology, violence and extremism became such enormous influences on us; we need to reduce alienation and improve our communication skills in order to relearn how to resolve issues non-violently.

Here in America, according to Ann Hornaday, film critic of the Washington Post, the number of violent films given the PG-13 rating has tripled. As children are inundated with movies, video games and other sources of violent behavior, parents and other mentors need to balance the emphasis on violence with conversations to put it in perspective. We need to teach them critical thinking and non-violent conflict resolution skills, says Hornaday on CNN's Reliable Sources (Nov. 17).

We have created a culture of extremism, based on winning (in which case, someone must lose); we tend to see issues as black or white, right or wrong, good or bad -- without shades of gray. We attack rather than listen. Most issues, however, have components on which both sides can agree, and when we're open to searching for them, we can begin to convert the extreme beliefs to manageable ones for everyone. Also, when people are feeling desperate, we can help them to find solutions. Thus, all sides win.

We can't depend on the Government to fix our cultural problems; no legislation can guarantee our safety from guns and other forms of violence, but you and I can go a long way toward alleviating some of the stress, as we realize that some forms of mental illness are probably situational, resulting from feelings of alienation and desperation.

ALIENATION
Extremism, coupled with our dependence on technology, has contributed to a society of individuals, who may begin to feel alienated -- alone, left out. When we are not socially available to them, we may be generating feelings of isolation in our family members and friends who, instead of turning to us to communicate life difficulties, may turn to social media, conferring with strangers. It's a perfect setup for trouble.

Do you remember the hugely popular film, Avatar? The universal greeting for the creatures was, "I see you." How many of us actually see each other? Do we look into people's eyes to see what might be behind their "I'm fine" when you meet them? Do we actually listen to their viewpoints, opposite from ours perhaps, or do we just wait for their statements to end so that we can counter them, trying to win the disagreement?

Feeling alienated has led to a number of shootings, according to psychologists. Desperation, loneliness and helplessness are all feelings that, at least some, shooters have experienced. Before people reach the level of wanting to end it all and take some others out with them, perhaps they need to know that we see them. Together, we can find solutions.
When we turn off our technologic devices, we can turn our attention to the people around us. As we engage them, we begin to restore their feelings of acceptance, inclusion.

Most of us can't solve the employment-related financial problems and insecurities some people will experience, but we can ease them somewhat by reducing the perception that money can buy inclusion, validation. When we reach out to our neighbors and friends, letting them know we have time for them, we show them we can see them, and hear them. We can also realize and convey that buying expensive gifts isn't necessary; rather, experiences we share are much more meaningful than giving material gifts because then we are giving the best we have - our time and attention.

Food is a universal connector, around which revolve celebrations, milestone markings, sorrow, and just ordinary events - the cycles of life. We can reach out to our neighbors, connecting, with dinners and other social activities, as we do in my neighborhood. We recently enjoyed a luncheon to welcome two Syrian ladies who recently moved here to live with their brother (and began volunteer work in the community a month after arriving). Through our gathering and their charitable activities, we hope they have begun to feel a sense of place here.

This month our neighbors will hold a pre-Thanksgiving dinner in which everyone will bring a dish reflective of our ethnic heritage. It will be good to remember the strengths, sacrifices and determination of those gone before, and those newly arrived, that have enabled so many of us to live as freely as we do.

COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Before we get to the stage of uncontrolled rage, and when we see others building up their anger, what can we do to relieve the pressure? Infuriating, unfair, and unjust things will happen to us and to people we love. Is it road rage that gets us? Or getting fired 'unjustly', a disagreement, betrayal or what? How do we deal with these things without going off the deep end? Improved communication skills can help to see us through such bad times.

Of course, we have to use common sense, as well. For example, with comparatively small incidents such as someone on the road cutting in front of us, we can leave more distance between the car in front and ours. We reduce stress by not tailgating, and by treating other drivers as we would like to be treated.

Anger management training, perhaps accompanied by meditation can be a good beginning. And we can develop a variety of verbal and non-verbal skills, such as active listening, to let others know we get them, whether we agree or not.

We can develop conflict resolution and negotiation skills, and guide others in them. Including these latter skills in the toolkit for effective communication can, in many cases, be the formula for neutralizing potentially violent situations.

Changing our society won't happen overnight, but it's well worth the effort, time and perseverance to shift to a culture in which we really include each other, and express ourselves nonviolently. This is what I mean by putting ourselves in Rehab.

The gift we will give ourselves from the results of our efforts will be an increased feeling of safety as we move among crowds, and a more solid, cohesive society in which we can realize and acknowledge that all is not black-and-white, right-or-wrong, hopeless or not. We will see the common ground of all sides, and experience more of a feeling of community as we work together to resolve issues and move our society ahead to a more healthier, more acceptable level.
 
Watching our legislators losing it over the last few months -- even, apparently, drinking in public, has generated such feelings of helplessness in many of us! We feel as though we're living on shifting sands, or even sinking in quicksand, not knowing what to expect for our present or our future.

The world is watching our shutdown with disgust. They deride us for our illusion of being 'the greatest country in the world.' What in the world can we do now? Well, for starters, we can show ourselves and the rest of the world what we are really made of. What we are isn't necessarily tied to our politicians and their decisions; they don't define us.

We can't change the political or economic situation at the moment, but we can plan for next year's Congressional election, and who we want to bring in to lead us. We can also make sure that as many people as possible are informed of potential candidates and - so very important - help eligible voters to have needed identification and rides to the polls. That much is certainly in our hands, and we've got to step up for ourselves and each other - no more waiting for 'them' to do it, for someone to pass policies and programs to solve our problems. We've sunk as low, I hope, as we're willing to go so that now we're ready to take our country back and put it on the road to progress.

'Oh sure,' you might say, but, what can we do for ourselves right now? While most of us are not in a power-position politically, we certainly are powerful in the way we choose to face this problem. That could begin with a renewal of our personal and family values; bringing our families closer together and growing closer to our communities. To a degree, we have morphed into a country of physical individualists who rely on social media for our feelings of connectivity. This is a good time to re-evaluate that. Our neighbors are probably suffering and feeling uncertain, too, and we can all pull closer together for mutual support.

When we are closer we feel stronger; with the support and love we give and receive, we don't feel isolated, as we would if we stayed locked in the tech-individualism mentality and constant race from lessons to games to restaurants, etc. with our children. By renewing some of our forgotten values in a variety of ways, we can be grounding ourselves solidly in age-old practices.

And when we feel really discouraged, let's draw on the wisdom of those who've gone before, standing strong in adversity. As my late, oh-so-seasoned Mom (of seven) said when I was stuck in the Tampa Airport during the 9/11 attacks, "We'll get through it, honey. We've gone through so much else, and we'll get through this, too." Mom was right; she went through the Depression, two World Wars, the Korean War and 11 home transfers with some children still in diapers.

So, now it's time for us to pull up our socks and get on with it. Not all of the following solutions will work for everyone but, with an open mind, we can find enough small changes to alter our whole outlook and improve the quality of our family lives. For starters, we may decide to cut down or cut out the cycles of taking the children to lessons, practices and sporting events, and going technologically unplugged in favor of better family time.

Through improved family cohesiveness across the States, we can show the world that, maybe deep down, we're made of the basic values that did, at one time, make America the 'greatest nation in the world'. We did make mistakes in choosing some of our lawmakers, but we don't have to let those mistakes define us.

So, here are some tips; use your imagination to see how they will work for you and your family. Take the ones that appeal, leave the others, and think of your own ways to take control.

For food, we can begin growing winter veggies and herbs - whether we live on acreage, or in a small apartment; we can grow vertically, if necessary. I'm starting my winter garden now.

We can control our own individual circumstances to a good degree by learning to live below our means, so that we build a safety net of reserve funds; if we don't have the money now (for any non-essential), then let's save for it and get it when we can afford it. Often, we will decide we didn't really want that, anyway. I just reluctantly decided to delay re-doing my favorite room - the den/media room/office until I can pay cash for it.

We can also feel grounded by hanging out our clothes instead of drying them in the dryer. I save approximately $400 every year by doing that year 'round.

We can eat potluck with the neighbors, thereby simplifying our cooking and feeling more of a community spirit. No need to feel alone as we grapple with the problems and uncertainties we face. I love getting to know my neighbors better with our frequent, spontaneous eat-togethers.

We can learn to sew again; making our own clothes, curtains, etc. We may have to tackle simple projects at first, but it won't be long before we're confident in following a variety of patterns. And they don't have to be dorky clothes, either. Just take a look at Badgley Mischka's Fall 2013 lineup; one of my favorites, the majority of clothes are in straight lines, with simple fabrics. In a fabric store, we can choose those according to our taste and budget.

An at least once a week family night can involve cooking together, then go in for games, a sing-along and stories. We can create a feeling of continuity in our families by telling the children and each other about our family traditions and how our elders met adversity. Before we know it, we're laughing and crying together, and we identify in ourselves, traits and characteristics of our ancestors.

So, yes, our politicians have let us down but it's up to us to find the positive possibilities, and awaken the greatness within us by responding as our ancestors probably would have - strongly, cohesively, imaginatively and supportively. We can certainly show ourselves and the world that First-Rate America does begin at home.