If We Are Political Extremists, How Can We Make That Work?

The following discussion results from a segment on HuffPost Live called The Psychology of Political Extremism hosted by Josh Zepps, in which I participated along with Howard Fineman (Huffington Post Media Editorial Director), Philip Fernbach (Assistant Professor of Marketing at the University of Colorado and Bethany Blankley (eeligion and politics analyst).

You might be like most people who probably consider themselves moderates. So, let's find out if you're actually closer to being a political extremist. Do you continually post comments and links on social media that promote only your position -- whether it's political, religious, racial, whatever -- and you criticize the opposite side without acknowledging any merit at all to their position?

Along with criticizing the other belief position from yours ("I hate Republicans/Democrats"), you may focus on protecting your own position by whatever means it takes; you may be untruthful, evading, telling part of the story when you know there is more. You can also be changing the subject when you're questioned, trying to turn their criticism back on to them, or just ignoring whatever their counter might be, even though you know it makes some sense. If so, then you may be a political extremist and there is a way to making this work for us all.

If, on the other hand, you convey and solicit complete, balanced opinions of current issues -- they can be family issues as well as "big" political ones -- you're one of the rare birds, probably more interested in solving problems than in campaigning for and maintaining your position, intact. You are courageous enough to acknowledge that both sides in most disagreements have elements of truth.

In America some politicians have, for all intents and purposes, dropped out of the fray by signing secret pledges not to vote on certain issues if they contain any reference to tax increases. And some politicians have vowed that, however much it hurts our country, they will obstruct President Obama's efforts so, of course, they have withdrawn from attempts to resolve issues.

This article is not for unwilling politicians or other individuals. It's for those who have opted to operate, at least to some degree, on principle to promote policies which are beneficial to all.

Each of us sees the world through the lens of our core paradigm -- our own unique set of values with which we identify -- and that paradigm determines how we react to and participate in the world around us. It is what makes us choose to identify as Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, and so on.

Adhering to only one fundamental value system without acknowledging acceptable aspects of an opposing system keeps us spinning our wheels. Combining the best aspects of both value systems, though, can be dynamite -- blasting us out of the status quo and into a future in which we Americans can still lead by example.

Coming to terms with sharply opposing viewpoints is neither easy nor quick but, for the good of us all, we must try. It takes patience and the strong will and determination to resolve our differences, and we can use a particular set of communication skills to facilitate the process.

The challenge lies in finding the way to maintain our core paradigm (identity, set of values by which we view the world) while functioning successfully as more centric Americans. Meeting this challenge certainly is possible for each side if we know how to do it and we're determined to keep striving for it, even when it seems we're making no progress.

It will help to understand why so many of us unyieldingly simplify, protect and defend our one-sided positions so fiercely, according to our core paradigm, which we may label as "liberal" or "conservative," exclusionary or inclusionary.

Philip Fernbach suggests that most unyielding people are operating under "the illusion of explanatory depth." This means, he says, that:

"A lot of people's attitudes and beliefs are based on people who have fairly strong opinions about complex policies but if you ask them to explain in a mechanistic way, 'so, what are the steps by which these policies will accomplish the goals that you want them to,' their sense of understanding decreases and they become more moderate."

Under questioning, we may find that we know much less about our position than we thought we did. And that, likely, is why we go to such measures to protect and defend it as we do.

Political issues are generally complex -- the economy, climate change, health care plan, etc.; the challenge for conscientious politicians and journalists is objectively condensing them into an interesting form that the ordinary person can understand. (Remember Joe SixPack and Phil the Plumber?)

To say, "I don't support gay marriage" is a value-based (religious) approach, to which not all Americans adhere. "Guns don't kill, people do" is another value-based statement that ignores the fact that people pull the triggers. Neither of those approaches goes far in completely describing or resolving the issues for the majority.

"Genuine political leaders will acknowledge the value aspect, then move it to a consequenceposition, which removes the emotions and transfers discussion to actual facts which participants can discuss calmly to find a mutually acceptable solution," says Howard Fineman. Doing so doesn't leave each paradigm totally intact, of course, but it does keep the best, highest forms of them both, and that's a win-win solution.

Like most of America, probably, my family and friends are polarized politically. For a long time, I oversimplified by mentally labeling us as "inclusionary/exclusionary, greedy/altruistic, racially prejudiced/racially open-minded." I fell for the "illusion of explanatory depth," but I see now that the positions are not as cut-and-dried as we might, at first, believe.

Now, because I'm looking for them, I'm beginning to see excellent applications for my beliefs from the Republican side along with my Democratic ones.

My staunchly Republican cousin recently presided over his daughter's marriage, beautifully combining both conservative and liberal paradigms. The couple chose to make the occasion a principle-based rather than a materially based event.

Rather than going into debt by putting on a show of ostentation, they had a simple country wedding in which they solicited numerous family members and friends to assist in making decorations and food. They became participants rather than merely observers. For guest favors in the symbol-laden celebration, the bride's mother baked approximately 200 loaves of bread, beginning in February, for the wedding in May.

Anyway, when I applied the concept of that style of wedding to the GOP concept of fiscal responsibility, along with my Democratic belief in inclusion, I could understand the GOP's position; my cousins did as much as they could themselves, thereby avoiding debt. They put on an inclusionary celebration on their terms. I can certainly relate to that!

So, how do we find other ways to actually accomplish the seemingly impossible task of finding centrist solutions that allow each side to maintain their core paradigm both at home and in Congress?

For starters, in our discussions we can remember President John F. Kennedy's admonition, "Remember, those are people on the other side."

With that in mind, we ask the person with opposing beliefs to explain the reasons for their position in as much detail as possible, and we listen carefully without countering, looking them in the eye the whole time. Not only do we allow them to finish, we ask questions to make sure we understand exactly where they're coming from. As we do all that, we constantly look for elements that coincide with our position, making mental note of them.

Then, we repeat the whole position back to them, asking if we got it right from their perspective. Once they agree that we do understand, they know we "get" them. We have validated their position without necessarily agreeing with it.

This is a huge element in having them, then, willing to listen to our position, and the process is reversed.

For both sides, in describing our views, we eliminate adjectives, labels and name-calling, keeping to the bare facts. This brings attention to the issues themselves without the element of prejudicial heat.

After both sides successfully validate each other, it is possible to move to discussing the issues themselves, and options for resolution, by bringing up mutually agreed-on points; the issues have then become centrist (consequence-based) so resolutions can be found that, while not 100 percent satisfactory for both sides, have enough elements from each to justify the conclusion.

And, thus, we can all become problem solvers keeping our core paradigms, while doing our part to restore our position as First-Rate Americans because the process begins at home and should permeate every strata of our society.

We can do it; let's go!

What the N-Word Means to Me

As I watched Don Lemon's program, "The N-Word," Monday evening, I was tremendously moved, and so glad I watched.

You see, as a woman born in Birmingham, AL in the early '40s, I've been thoroughly enmeshed all my life with black culture all my life, in good ways and bad.

It was important for me to watch and listen carefully as Lemon and his panelists Wynton Marsalis, LeVar Burton, Tim Wise, Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, and others shared their experiences with the word because, as they spoke movingly with passion but not heat, they led to the beginning of racial conversations we should have separately and together in order to acknowledge our joint heritage, try to understand each other, and move forward together.

It's clear from the attention we've given to the Paula Deen and Trayvon Martin issues that America does care about race and, until now, we haven't talked so productively about it. I think it's time though because, together, we have so much to offer in providing a cohesive more positive atmosphere of understanding and trust in which our country can grow. At the same time, we'll be laying the foundation for a much better America as a legacy for our children and other future generations.

We white people of today didn't create the hideous conditions of decades past, but we are certainly influential in what happens today.

Here, I'll follow Lemon's lead and use the actual words, to convey the power they bring and make them more real to us.

My parents, born in 1913 and 1916 in Birmingham, Alabama, along with their siblings and parents, were molded by conditions in which they were indoctrinated. This doesn't excuse them but, for white Southerners then, 'it was just the way things were', according to my Mom years later.

My earliest memories are of our maid pushing the stroller with my baby sister, as we went for walks. Then, when I was about 8 or so, we had moved to Miami -- my then-five siblings, parents and me -- and we children all fell in love with our housekeeper Thelma because, for us, she epitomized the love my Mom hadn't yet learned to give.

Mom had been orphaned at the age of six, and shunted around among relatives who didn't really want her, so she had to learn on her own about building a cohesive, loving family. Her idea back then was that ladies didn't actually pay much attention to their children; they went to bridge club and the like most of the time.

So, that's why we loved Thelma so much. That huge chocolate-colored woman with a few teeth missing in a smile that seemed to stretch across her whole face, would arrive every morning with sweets and 'surprises'. She'd scoop up two of us kids at a time, in the biggest old hug, and we'd melt into her. At nap time every day, she'd draw the three of us who weren't toddlers all onto her lap together, and croon us to sleep. She put us down in batches of 'the little kids' and 'the big kids'. My brother, sister and I were the big kids.

Thelma and her husband James owned the little home they lived in, and an investment home in Palm Beach for extra income. James would cut our grass on his off days from work.

And, though Thelma could cook like a dream, she absolutely refused to let anyone in her kitchen, let alone teach us how to cook. I can't begin to tell you how much that wonderful woman's love meant to us. Sixty-five years later, we still tear up remembering her, as we do every single time we get together.

Later, as my Dad got transferred in his job with Metropolitan Life Insurance Co., we had other maids in other places, but no one ever lived up to Thelma.

Of course, in those years, white society said that black people and white people had distinct places, and they were meant to be kept separate and unequal. Black people saw it differently, of course, and the turbulence began when I was a little girl. (I don't mean the injustice began then; it began centuries before.)

We didn't talk about it, but I'd see the MovieTone newsreels and TV reports about the hideous hosing of black children trying to go to school with white kids. I'll never forget the horror I felt then. The white people in those films were as vicious as the dogs they used to intimidate those poor children.

We'd see, of course, the separate facilities for black people and white and I began to wonder why that was. too.

Then, in 1959 (five years before the Civil Rights Act), I entered high school in one of the nation's first integrated classes. It's as clear in my memory as it was in life, then. We were all, black kids and white, excited to be part of this new thing, but so very scared of messing it up by making some mistake with a comment or accidentally brushing against each other. It could be anything inadvertent that they or us might commit because we had been raised to think it was normal.

With the grace of God, though, it all went without incident in that first momentous year of integration at Norfolk Catholic High School, and we went on to subsequent years -- learning to get along with, if not really understand, each other.

The years went by and, although conditions changed dramatically, attitudes didn't keep up. And that's where we are today.

I didn't cause the horrible things and the attitudes I inherited but, as I processed it all over the years, I vowed to do everything I could to make it better. And I do, celebrating the courage of my sheroes -- Xernona Clayton , founder of the Trumpet Awards, who drove Dr. King to the airport when he flew to Memphis, Tn. and the end of his life. Miss Xernona still lives in Atlanta and I'm happy to say we've talked about things, and she knows how I revere her.

Then, there's Charlayne Hunter-Gault, a year younger than me, who persisted in applying to segregated Georgia State University, until the law said they had to take her. She and Hamilton Holmes walked through the doors there on January 9, 1961, and on into history.

Who do you suppose was her first inspiration to be a first-rate journalist, which she did? It was Brenda Starr! Young Charlayne would lie on the floor reading the Sunday funnies while her grandmother read the Atlanta Journal, Atlanta Daily World and the Atlanta Constitution. Ms. Hunter-Gault, who says her mother taught her that "dreams propel ambition', knows I'm featuring her as one example in my upcoming book, "Vision and Voices for Girls".

And there've been so many more -- not all women, of course, but I relate to them more.

Well, we'll all be dead someday, but our children and grandchildren will live on with whatever lessons we've instilled in them.

I say, let us be the generation our children can say made all the difference. Let's move ahead together, as hard as it'll be, and write our own chapter in history by learning to acknowledge the past -- face it head on --- and find a new way for a better America. If we don't lead the way, who will?

Dear Don Lemon, When I See a Black Man...

As you might know, I’m an old Southern white woman, and when I see a black man, like I do with anyone else, I look into their eyes first. If they look OK, then I’m OK.

The man across the street from me is as black as night, and the most wonderful father to his two little biracial girls you could ever imagine. 

When school is out, the black boys who walk by on the way to where ever they go to enjoy their days off, stop and chat now. I notice when they learn a new trick on their skateboards, and they try over and over to show it to me again. Of course, in the beginning I had to push a little to get them to stop and visit. Not only am I white, but I’m old -- no wonder they were a little hesitant, maybe feeling a little uncertain of their chatting skills, but they’re a lot better now.

On school days, when Pokey (my dog) and I pass them on the way to the school bus, I wish them a happy day and, now, they smile and respond.

I’ve met their grandmother, who lives in the cul de sac at the end of our street, and we enjoy visiting whenever she’s walking her dog. A lovely woman who shares the same values of discipline, hard work and graciousness as I do, she is a bit reserved about carrying the acquaintanceship further, as are most of the neighbors -- black, white and Asian.

On the other end of my street lives a black woman, an insurance agent, whose  little black dog Sebastian is a particular favorite of mine. One day, as she was walking and I was in my house, a loose pit bull frightened my friend. That dog had challenged me, another time. Terrified, she rang my doorbell -- maybe my house was the closest, but I believe she knew she’d be safe with me.

Anyway, we waited together for a little while; I told her how I had intimidated that pit bull, and offered to drive her home. By then, though, she felt better, and said she’d be OK.

I wave at all my neighbors, driving by in the morning and the evening; often, I can’t even see into the darkened car windows to see who they are. Doesn’t matter, they’re my neighbors and everyone likes to be greeted and wished well. Life isn’t that easy for people these days.

And here are two creepy, or beautiful, stories depending on how you see them: One day, my former husband and I decided to cut down a small hawthorne tree. So, I took the chainsaw and hacked away at it until it fell. Then, we started dragging it across the lawn, intending to get it down the street a short ways, and up to an area on the side where I pile up small trees and woody branches.

We looked up to see a burly black man we didn’t know, who offered to help. We didn’t see or hear him come up. Gladly we accepted, and he did most of the work, until the tree was where we wanted it. 

Thanking him, I asked his name and offered to give him something for his help; he said he didn’t need anything to help someone else. He looked surprised when I asked his name. “Clarence”, he said, and I put out my hand. “Would you like a glass of water or lemonade?” I asked, and he said he had to get going. We shook hands, and he walked away up the hill. We didn’t see where he went, and never saw him again.

On another occasion, my elderly Mom was driving home on a rainy night when her car stalled on the expressway. She was able to get it over to the side, but didn’t know exactly what she’d do next. 

Then she saw the lights of a car behind her. A black man got out walked up and asked her if she needed help. Gratefully, Mom explained the problem and he lifted the hood. Soon, her engine was purring again, she thanked him and said she’d drive to the next gas station to make sure everything was OK; he said he’d follow her, to make sure she made it;. Relieved that he would look out for her, she thanked him again, and kept glancing back to make sure he was still there; he was. Driving into the station, she again looked for his lights, and the truck had disappeared.

My Mom, also a journalist, and I share a good dose of skepticism about “woo-woo”-type things. But we’re also spiritual, and we believe those black men were sent to us from a higher place. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t; it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that Mom and I, both born in Birmingham, AL , knew we had nothing to fear because we looked into those men’s eyes, and what we saw was just fine.

Don, I can’t feel what you feel; no one can feel what another person does, but my heart can cry for the pain you expressed on CNN that day. I can relate in one way; until my Mom died at 95 two years ago, I’d still call to tell her I got home OK. My brother and his family live an hour away, and I call them too after visiting. 

I think maybe the reason Mom and I feel the way we do is that our lives have been intertwined with those of black people from our beginning -- of course, the circumstances of how we interacted years and years ago weren’t great, and we’ve changed as have the times, but somehow we developed trust; I can’t explain it, and don’t feel I need to, it’s just there.

I want you to know that, like black men, we white people are not all the same; some of us are OK and, when we reach out our hands to you it’s OK to take them, look us in the eyes as we will to you, and take a chance on walking along together on this scary, exciting new road to social acceptance. As Steve Harvey says every day, “We can do this together”. 

We the People Can Bless the USA

"We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Really? So, what happened? We the people have allowed the worst of us to take over. We the people have sunk to our lowest level so far because, by now we should have moved much closer to the realization of our ideals.

But we haven't.

We say, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

"Yo prometo lealtad a la bandera de los Estados Unidos de America, y a la Republica que representa, una Nacion bajo Dios, entera, con libertad y justicia para todos."

So, what happened? Our justice system serves primarily white people, our legislative system primarily serves the people who corrupt and obstruct it. We the people lost sight of the values, strength and discipline that could have made our country great.

Are we OK with who we've become? Do we just accept it as 'the way things are'? Or do we want to create the America that our founders intended?

It's not too late to turn it around, but it is in our hands -- not anyone else's -- to change America. We have developed the attitude that they (others) must solve the problems. "The Department of Justice has to change; our lawmakers have to change," etc. No sir, no ma'am, we have to change first, together -- blacks, Hispanics, whites, multis -- we all have to combine our strength in order to leverage the change we seek. Together, we are powerful; separately, we are just weakly squabbling.

Change has to begin with ordinary people -- with you and me, with our families and our friends; with our neighbors and co-workers. It begins with each and every one of us all across this land.

We're afraid of our neighbors and everyone else whom we think might be different from us. Of course, we all carry seeds of racism and other harmful qualities, whether we face them or not. We begin by changing our own self-talk -- what we think -- about people of other races, socioeconomic levels, education, gender, age, religion and everything else that distinguishes us, one from another.

When we catch ourselves mentally labeling another person, we can change that label by eliminating whatever adjective we attached to it, change the sentence in our inner dialog, and just think of them by their given names. Period.

We can realize that most people are operating within the framework of their own traditions, experiences and life situations. We cannot judge others according to our own frame of reference, because we are each unique. No one else on the globe is exactly like you. Or me. Or anyone else. And we have to get along with each other, or be constantly afraid.

Rachel Jeantel, the black teen who testified at the Zimmerman-Martin trial, was ridiculed by both black and white people for her lack of formal education. Speaking with Piers Morgan several days after the trial ended, however, she demonstrated again (for people who would notice) that, not only is she a dignified, soft-spoken young woman, she is also wise and understanding of cultural differences, explaining some of them on the program.

Calmly, she confronted judgmental statements she regarded as inaccurate, ('Trayvon was a thug'), explaining them from her point of view. Taken on her own terms, Ms. Jeantel projects as an admirable young woman with dreams and aspirations -- not so different from any of us.

In order to move our society closer to the ideals our founders stated for us, we monitor our self-talk, and our children's terminology, working to keep it non-judgmental. Working is the operative word here, because it's not always easy. We like to see ourselves as ideal, when we're not.

We move out of our homogenous comfort area, and begin to engage productively with individuals whom we might have otherwise avoided. We avoid the temptation to reply in kind if they speak judgmentally.

And we have to learn to listen. By truly listening, making eye contact, until the other person has fully expressed themselves, we can begin to find areas of commonality which we can strengthen with practice. If we are courageous enough to look them in their eyes as they speak, perhaps they will take the chance and look at us, and we can begin to connect.

Now comes the hardest part. We have to begin engaging with groups of people we have avoided all our lives, in order to explore ways we can begin on the ground level to increase understanding and acceptance.

Because, unless we do it together, we won't do it. Effect change; make it happen. Fulfill the ideals of our nation's founders. The past is over; whatever it was and why, is gone; we can't change it, and there's no point reliving it. We don't forget, of course; we have to make sure not to repeat ugly parts of our past. We have got to find ways to move forward, though, to create a better United States of America, together. And that means erasing racism and other value judgments.

Once we've begun a groundswell, we can unite to form powerful voting blocks, we can begin to run for office, we can make the changes we wish to see. And, with more than 50 percent of the world's population under 25, we can inspire and lead our youth to their own greatness. This is what we mean when we say, "God bless us all, and God bless the United States of America!"

Split Cultural Identity Could Lead Few to Terrorism

Time after time, people ask, 'why did they blow up innocent people?' coming to no real conclusion. The following suggests one of numerous possible scenarios in which good children go bad. It is intended only as food for thought; no more than that.

Some loving, well-meaning immigrant Muslim parents and grandparents would be appalled to learn that they may be contributing to radical decisions of the few Muslim terrorists we see in America. (The number really is small, but the terroristic acts so horrific that it may seem there are more perpetrators than we actually have.) And it's possible that, with better understanding for the elders of what it means to be an American, the lives of would-be terrorists would go in quite different directions.

The reasons why some young people choose the path of terrorism may lie at home, in a totally unintended scenario. The possibility to consider for this small number of individuals is this: The older generation come to America so that their children can benefit from a good education in a free environment with the possibility of eventually attaining high-paying jobs.

The first-generation parents and/or grandparents, who may see their role only as providing a safe home with a good education and strong Muslim moral values; they are probably deeply religious, peace-loving, scholarly or otherwise successful individuals.

American diversity and freedom might seem overwhelming to some people who come from homogenous areas where society imposes strict behavioral constraints. They don't understand what it takes to combine the best of their original culture with the best of American life, which seems incomprehensible to them. So, their mistake is, not that they wish strongly to preserve the value of their original culture in the minds of their offspring, but the uncompromising way they go about it.

Taking little or no part in American life, this group of people see American life and politics through the eyes of their original culture. Their aim is to combine the original culture with educational and economic American benefits. They do not realize that their offspring will be hybrids of the two cultures. Without doubt, they mean the best for their children and grandchildren, but they are lacking in insight and understanding of how their youngsters may be processing the older folks' approach. That understanding is crucial for a positive outcome.

It is important to realize that the elder generation are highly moral, well-meaning people who wish to preserve the value of their original culture in the minds of their children so, without insight, they may think that by pointing out deficiencies of America, youngsters may see the virtues of their homeland, albeit without the opportunities available in America.

At home, in this comparatively small group of immigrant Muslim families, the youngsters are compliant while they listen to misguided denunciations of American lifestyle, politics and military policies. Perhaps the older people, think that berating America makes their culture look better'; they do not always temper it with their societal responsibility to make America better, and they don't show similar comparisons regarding other countries. They provide little balance, without understanding that American military policy relates only to the military and politicians -- not to Americans in general. The elders don't think to make the distinction that most Americans are equally as loving, well-meaning and God-fearing as the immigrants are, because they don't realize how their children are processing their statements.

Youngsters who lose their way are impressionable, sometimes with low self-esteem; they may see their elders as infinitely wise and knowledgeable -- yet, they must go to school and function in American society, to at least some degree. Caught between the two cultures, they present a totally acceptable face to each. At school, they are 'just like the other kids'.

Yet, a noticeable difference from the other kids is that their elders in these few cases do not attend school functions or athletic events in which the children participate, while they may attend every function at the mosque and may even be leaders there. Mosque activities are, nearly without exception, considered fine and good (which they are, usually); however, attending only mosque activities sends a strong message to the younger generation(s), 'these are the only activities worthy of our attention'. At home, they are model Muslim children. Inwardly, however, the youngsters are processing all of this, forming their own conclusions.

Like typical American teens, they may be solitary at home, spending long hours at the computer, drawing or reading. As the children mature chronologically, their tendency to judge the world as black or white, good or bad with no gray areas, coupled with the natural passion of youth, can lead a small but significant number of them to no other conclusion than that they must 'do their part spectacularly to change the world' according to dramatic actions they see on the internet or TV.

This is when, through social media they may start looking for like-minded people globally; then, fueled with intensified zeal, they start learning about weaponry and bombs, and the end becomes inevitable.

Later, when informed of heinous acts of their beloved children, their parents and grandparents are often baffled and simply devastated. They had tried to instill good, strong values in their children, as the elders had learned them; the problem is, they simply don't understand that living in America means much more than just going through the motions of achieving financial and/or scholastic success.

No one can say these well-meaning immigrants are capable of making an instant magical reversal of cultural understanding the moment they set foot on American soil. They cannot, of course.

The missing link is intense cultural counseling for the immigrants in the beginning, from people they relate to, who have successfully and fully made the transition. Perhaps that won't ever happen, but the need is there.

SENIOR CROSSES INVISIBLE BRIDGE FROM LASSITUDE TO VITALITY

Oh, sure, I’d heard it  all – ‘You need to lose weight and get fit; join the gym and work out, watch your food choices and portions.’ As alluring as all that sounded, it did nothing to get me off the couch to restore my slimmer, fitter self, and the pounds kept adding up along with the rolls around my middle.

I didn’t notice it so much until I saw photos of family gatherings, in which I was the only tub of lard. At least, that’s how I saw myself. I rationalized, ‘Who cares, anyway?’

Then, on a breezy overcast day last Fall, a boat ride on North Georgia’s Lake Lanier changed everything for me. Bumping across the wavelets at 50 mph or so with my brother and his wife, their cabin cruiser sped me back in time.

With the wind and spray in my face, hair whipping back, my body remembered a time decades in my past when I promoted and photographed world champion water skiers. Along with my nearly daily photo sessions, the skiers’ coach had given me lessons which I found challenging, partly because of my slight excess weight, and eventually satisfying.

Under the late legendary pioneer water ski coach, Chuck Dees, I undertook a daily stretching and exercise program because, for skiing, the person must be in top condition. My lessons became a significant part of my life.

Gradually, my clothing size decreased as my stamina, strength and skill increased. First, I learned to ski reliably on two skis; then, after numerous attempts and falls I was able to drop off one ski and skim along on one. Later, I was able to just pop up from the deep water every time, and control my movements sufficiently to begin crossing wakes back and forth. That was exhilarating! 

I cannot express the joy and power over myself I felt at that time of my life!! And, years later, I had actually forgotten that. How sad! I had become a lump, just kind of waiting for my clock to run out.

Then, in October 2010, five months before my 70^th birthday, my brother Chris and his wife Ceci invited me to go out on their boat, and that’s when it all began again. As we flew across the water of Lake Lanier, I suddenly found myself on my feet balancing against the ever-changing boat’s movements. Next, almost without realizing it, I put my right foot behind my left in the slalom position, and held on as we turned and bobbed. Bending my knees slightly I swayed back and forth with the boat, still in ski position. My legs were tired, but I just couldn’t let myself sit down. It felt great!!

This lasted for 15 or 20 minutes, as my mind raced along with the boat. ‘Could I…? Dare I even think about…? Well, maybe… Heck, why not?’ I had decided that I wanted to go through my seventh decade much differently from the way I had spent my 60s. I began to believe I could really recapture the vigor and discipline of my earlier years.

Finally, as the boat came to a stop Chris and Ceci grinned at me, their eyes shining. I proposed to them that if I could get myself in shape by the following summer, they would take me out for a ski run. Immediately, we all high-fived, and the challenge was on!

Well, it went fine for a month or so. I had joined Bally Gym and begun working out regularly, when I learned that I needed surgery on my right foot. ‘OK,’ I thought; ‘I’ll get it over with, and get back on the program’. But it wasn’t so simple.

After the six-week recovery period during which my doctor informed me I was to stay off my foot and keep it elevated, my right leg began hurting. I had no idea what caused that or what to do about it, but it got worse so I consulted Dr. Samuel Milton at Emory Orthopaedics and Spine Center, who, after a month of physical therapy to assess my strengths and weaknesses, diagnosed my condition as patellar-femoris syndrome caused by walking with flat feet turned inward (pronated).

Dr. Milton said this was muscular and did not warrant surgery; he taught me to control it through exercise. When I told him of my then-secret goal of waterskiing by the summertime, his face lit up and he said he loves to waterski, and that’s how I knew this extremely fit man was heaven-sent to help me get up on the water.

He put me on a detailed program of weight, resistance and aerobics training, and recommended a healthful eating program – all geared to my particular needs and goal. I could not have been more blessed and I vowed to myself, I would do the work required.

Initially I would hobble into Bally in great pain, fortified with a leg brace and extra-strength analgesic. Gritting my teeth, I worked through the routine regularly. No, I didn’t feel like it, but I told myself that was my job at that time, and I’d soldier on.

I continued working out and gradually improving, and then came another roadblock – more accurately, a ‘fork in the road’. My husband Stan was diagnosed with Stage 2 prostate cancer. He would require radiation therapy for 25 business days, and I’d be driving him.

We discussed the cancer, and the role it would play in our lives, and decided that we wouldn’t let it define us. Personally, I decided that, while I would care for Stan and help him to recover, I would not let his illness swallow me up. I would maintain my individuality and my goal, with his strong support.

We told only our families and close friends about his diagnosis, carried on with life, and completed his treatments; fortunately, he had no discomfort from the therapy nor any symptoms and, as far as we know, he’s well now. During the days of his therapy, I would go to Bally in the morning, and we would go to Winship Cancer Center in the late afternoons.

Finally, for me and my program the waters ahead were smooth, and the summer began; Chris and I set a date for the great adventure and I drove to their home, full of hope and joy. But it didn’t happen for me. After approximately 90 minutes of attempting to position myself behind the shifting boat and to find the sinking rope handle, my energy had melted away, and we had to give up. To say we were dejected was an understatement.

For a couple of weeks, I contemplated the whole goal, my approach to working out and all the rest, eventually deciding that I would continue to work out because I liked the strength and stamina I had achieved but that, maybe the zing and pizzazz I was seeking had passed me by.

Then, my close friend Tayyibah Taylor, publisher of Azizah Magazine began goading me to complete the task. She was unrelenting (as I sometimes am with her) because, as I am managing editor of the magazine, she believed I could be seen as a role model – an example of ‘the Azizah woman’.

She hounded me to provide her with a photo of me skiing, which she could include in an article titled Fit and Fabulous at each decade, beginning at 30. So, because of Tayyibah’s persistence, it finally occurred to me that I could look for a water ski coach with all the equipment to which I was accustomed, and I could actually achieve my goal.

After contacting Barron Barnes of Lake Lanier Water Ski Center, who agreed to schedule me, I contacted local photographer Michael Pugh who agreed to photograph me, and the rest is history. On a lovely August day we all met and, not only did I get up on one ski, I took my first barefoot skiing lesson!

                                                                                  

Tayyibah has her photo and I have my old self back. Through discipline, persistence, a fantastic support team and the grace of Almighty God, I walk tall now with strength, stamina and – most importantly – the exhilaration of knowing that I can still joyously face life head on, whether the wind blows before me or behind me.

And I love being able to tell people what I’m doing now, instead of what I used to do. Slimmer, stronger and fitter, it’s much more fun to move in the stream rather than sit on the sideline!

I’m certainly no different from anyone else who’s retired or semi-retired – no different at all -- except that I did find the invisible bridge I could cross over to find myself again. I wanted to FEEL the way I used to in my prime and, if you can think back to remember when you felt that way and what made you feel that way, you will also find your invisible bridge.

Of course, it may sway a bit and you may step on a few splinters as you cross over it but, remembering back when you were powerful, you can recapture the strength to continue on to the other side. I wish you a steadily unwavering eye on your goal as you begin your journey!

Delta Airlines Didn't Cause Their Pilot's Fear of Muslims

Recently, I have seen a campaign against Delta Airlines because one of its pilots refused to fly two traditionally dressed imams. Airlines officials attempted to reason with the pilot, but he stuck to his position; consequently, the imams were asked to deplane and given a subsequent flight.

Prejudice in America is not new. My own great-grandfather had to change his name when he immigrated from Ireland, because Irish people were the targets; often it's the Jews, it's always been black people; now the Muslims and, of course, "everyone knows Italian-Americans are gangsters" is another prejudice.

It is important for us to notice who, exactly, is generating the prejudicial activity (in the case of the imams, it was not Delta Airlines per se, so it would be unfair to condemn the entire company for the prejudice of one employee). If a special female TSA person has to pat down Muslim women, thereby delaying their flights, I'm not sure why.

It is important to remember that this prejudice relates to fear much more than hatred. I do understand that Americans are afraid of Muslims in general (as irrational as that may seem to Muslims, especially those who dress traditionally), because whenever a terrorist commits a public crime, he or she shouts, "Allahu akbar!" -- the known typical Muslim expression of allegiance to God. So, it is natural for Americans to associate violence with Muslims; not correct, of course, but perhaps understandable. Also, during the 9/11 attacks three airplanes were involved.

And, yes, media typically highlight anyone who stands out spectacularly – generally, for negative actions. A big part of the media’s job is to get ratings not to set a moral tone, although it is pleasant to see them increasingly turn in that direction. We should not ignore the excellent documentary of CNN’s Soledad O’Brien recently – The Muslims Next Door. She has been a marvelous advocate for fair representation of ordinary, law-abiding American Muslims. And media coverage of Osama bin Laden’s death has often included reference to his killing more Muslims than anyone else.

Prejudice against ordinary, law-abiding Muslims is a public relations problem, and I believe it can be turned around, although I don’t in any way assume that I have all the answers. I remember a PR campaign a year or so ago in Canada, in which Muslims initiated a large billboard presence. Muslims from several public service areas were shown – a policeman, nurse, etc. – with the headline ‘Your Neighborhood Muslim’, or something to that affect. A similar campaign built around that theme could help.

Regarding TSA profiling, of which Muslims often complain, we can regularly contact our state and national politicians, especially those in Homeland Security, regarding the profiling. We can also run for office and let our voices be heard more directly. The key is to always be factually reasonable and courteous. Leave the hot emotions out of it, and persevere -- be convinced that we can solve this problem.

Also, more visibility of Muslims as Americans will go a long way. A big presence at Fourth of July celebrations, with other Americans – not separate -- for example, will help.  Celebrating Black History month with other black Americans, attending sports matches and other cultural events, then commenting on Facebook and Twitter. You get the picture, I hope.

We should watch mainstream media more, in order to know exactly what journalists are saying, rather than what others say they report. We can Friend influential journalists including news editors and publishers, and the main networks on Facebook so that, when we see something good we can tell them so – show appreciation. On the other hand, when we feel they have gotten it wrong or skewed, we can politely let them know. I utilize these tools regularly, and am developing relationships with several of them because they respect my reasoned comments. We can learn to use Twitter in the same way.

In summary, this is a definite problem, with definite solutions. If we choose to participate in the solutions, we can help turn it around. If not, we can continue to complain. It’s up to us. Regardless of our legal status, we are Americans if we are living here, and we can decide to live as Americans rather than a separate outlier group. As for me, I choose to live as a fellow American, and to help our country work through our problems in any way I can. What is your choice?

WILL YOUR CHILD BE THE NEXT BULLYING VICTIM?

BULLYING HASN’T STOPPED – LET’S GET TOGETHER AND STOP IT

http://www.bet.com/news/national/2011/04/01/bullies-hang-boy-in-bathroom-stall.html

A message to future targets of bullying; is one of them your child?

You don’t have to be fat, foreign, tall, thin, short, dark, light or gay – maybe you’re just not into sports. Or rock music. Maybe you just like to read and think. Well, my little friend, that makes you a target for bullying.

What are your parents doing about this? Are they waiting for you to be the next victim before they speak out? Is this the America and Britain you want to grow up in? Where people are tortured because they seem different, and no one really really cares? Do you think your parents and grandparents want you to get hurt? Would you like to see them speak out before it happens to you?

I think I hear you saying, “Yes, please!”

OK, here’s what parents can do to say, “Enough is enough!”:

First, you can copy and paste this note into your Facebook page. This will help raise awareness.

Then, organize parents at your school, or enlist your parents’ group to make copies of the Dept. of Education’s Office of Civil Rights Guidelines on Bullying (http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/dcl-factsheet-201010.pdf), and make sure each family and each school principal has a copy. Also, make it clear to school administrators that you are serious; you WILL NOT tolerate ANY bullying of ANY child in your children’s school.

You will teach, or organize diversity classes for other parents and for your children so that everyone can be clear on what bullying entails, and why it is wrong. (See Appendix 1 below)

You can familiarize yourself with the new Facebook policy on children, and enforce it in your home. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-magid/new-facebook-safety-cente_b_851261.html)

You can talk about bullying, and post your thoughts on it, on your Facebook page.

Appendix 1:

Diversity Training

When life hands you a lemon, peel it

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We often think that teaching our children about diversity is a long and difficult task. However as the following exercise shows, it can be as simple as peeling a lemon:
Gather a group of young children and give them lemons, one lemon for each child. Tell them to `get to know your lemon." The children will examine their lemons-smell them, touch them, throw them in the air, and roll them around. After a few minutes, take the lemons back and collect them in a big basket. Next, ask the children to find their lemons from among the bunch. Remarkably, most recognize their lemons at once. Some will even get protective of them.
Next, ask the children to describe how they recognized their lemons. The responses are always varied. "My lemon was a big lemon," one might say. "My lemon was a perfect lemon," says another. And another, "My lemon had dents and bruises." This launches the discussion about how people are like that-different sizes, different shapes, different shades of color, different "dents and bruises."
After exploring those ideas, collect the lemons again. This time, peel the lemons and return them to the basket without their protective skin. Now tell the children to again find their lemon. Presented with this quandary, the children's reactions are always precious. "But the lemons all look the same!" they'll exclaim. This opens the door to a discussion of how people, much like the lemons, are pretty much the same on the inside.
While it may take only 15 minutes and a bowl of lemons to teach young children about diversity, it takes a conscious effort and a lifetime of attention to ensure that lesson is remembered. As parents, we must provide that commitment.

Teaching Diversity: A Place to Begin

By Dora Pulido-Tobiassen and Janet Gonzalez-Mena

We all want children to grow up in a world free from bias and discrimination, to reach for their dreams and feel that whatever they want to accomplish in life is possible. We want them to feel loved and included and never to experience the pain of rejection or exclusion. But the reality is that we do live in a world in which racism and other forms of bias continue to affect us. Discrimination hurts and leaves scars that can last a lifetime, affecting goals, ambitions, life choices, and feelings of self-worth.

How can we best prepare children to meet the challenges and reap the benefits of the increasingly diverse world they will inherit? We can raise children to celebrate and value diversity and to be proud of themselves and their family traditions. We can teach children to respect and value people regardless of the color of their skin, their physical abilities, or the language they speak.

How to Begin
As our nation grows increasingly diverse, there has never been a better opportunity for us to learn to live respectfully together and benefit from one another's wisdom and experiences. But sometimes fear, uncertainty, or discomfort prevent people from talking to each other. This is especially true when it comes to the topics of race and racism, cultural differences, language and bilingualism, and the myriad questions that arise in a world where these issues have such a powerful place in children's lives. As professionals who partner with families to nurture young children, parents often regard us as a resource on a wide range of issues connected to diversity. We are in a unique position to engage in conversations that ask us to consider important questions such as:

• What does it mean to be a parent raising a child in this diverse world?
• What does it mean to be a young child growing up in this diverse world?

Addressing Diversity
Almost every aspect of child-rearing — including feeding, diapering, and toilet training — is influenced by cultural beliefs and values. How we talk to young children, touch them, bathe them, dress them, and see to their napping needs are all cultural behaviors. Over time, children learn who they are and what to do through these experiences — absorbing a sense of their routines, traditions, languages, cultures, and national or racial identities.

There are many equally valid ways to raise healthy children who thrive in the world. Professional knowledge and experience are important, but we must never forget how much we can learn from the families we work with. For example: Rose comes to pick up her daughter, Pia, at their child care program and asks the teacher why her 13-month-old's shoes are in the cubby instead of on her feet. She requests that Pia always wear her shoes except when she is taking a nap.

The teacher explains that she believes that the best thing for a child who is learning to walk is to go barefoot because her little feet need room to grow, and bare feet are better for balance and control. The nurse practitioner at the clinic where Rose takes Pia and her other children has mentioned this too. He recommends flexible soft leather booties instead of the stiff dressy shoes that Rose has selected. Though both the teacher and the nurse practitioner have good points, what might they learn if they put themselves in Rose's "shoes"?

• Is Rose an immigrant to the United States who worries that Americans will think her ignorant if her child is not wearing shoes?
• Does Rose choose dressy shoes for Pia because she does not want anyone to think she cannot provide the very best for her child?
• Is Rose receiving government financial assistance as she tries to raise her family and worrying that bare feet will stigmatize her daughter as a "welfare child?"
• Is Rose from a part of the world where children contract parasites through their feet if they do not wear shoes?
• In Rose's culture, do people believe children catch colds from bare feet? As you know, diversity is a complex concept, and there is not one single set of right answers for any one person or family. Only by understanding each other can Rose and the professionals who are concerned about Pia agree on how to resolve their differing points of view. The outcome depends on dialogue–a discussion with the goal of understanding each other's perspectives.

Learning to Appreciate Differences
Because young children form ideas about themselves and other people long before they start kindergarten, it is important to begin teaching anti-bias lessons early. If we reinforce these lessons, children will learn to appreciate, rather than fear, differences and to recognize bias and stereotypes when they see them. Children learn early on — from television, books, magazines, photographs, and, of course, interactions–how others view people like themselves. Uncomfortable reactions can alert children to the negative significance some people put on differences. In other words, the differences in eye or skin color can simply become a category of human variation — or those differences can take on a particular negative significance.

If what children do at home is never mentioned or, worse, is considered strange by other children and adults, children may refuse to speak their home language, eat certain foods, wear certain clothes, follow certain religious practices. As some children begin to compare their appearance or life with others, they may start expressing their concerns about being different. We know that children need to be reassured that differences are fine. More than that, we need to work with parents to help bridge the norms, the attitudes, and the ways of doing things in children's cross-cultural worlds — and to counteract any demeaning and harmful messages.

The following suggestions are designed to help you teach children to not only value diversity but also to resist prejudice and discrimination.

• Teach children to be critical thinkers, specifically about prejudice and discrimination. Critical thinking is when we strive to understand issues through examining and questioning. Young children can begin to develop these skills, to know when a word or an image is unfair or hurtful.
• Respond to children's questions and comments about differences even if you're not sure what to say. Children often interpret a lack of response to mean that it's not acceptable to talk about differences. If you're unsure about what to say, try: "I need to think about your question and talk to you later." Or, you can always go back to a child and say: "Yesterday you asked me a question about… Let's talk about it." Another useful response: "I don't really like what I told you this morning. I've given it some more thought, and here's what I really should have said."
• Listen carefully to what children are saying. Ask a few questions before answering to get a clearer idea of what they really want to know and the ideas they already have on the subject.
• Shape your response to the child's age and personality. Generally, children want to know why people are different, what this means, and how those differences relate to them. Remember that children's questions and comments are a way for them to gather information about aspects of their identity and usually do not stem from bias or prejudice.
• Share with families and colleagues ideas for responding to children's questions. You'll gain new ideas and insights as you exchange experiences, and you can clarify what works best for you and your children.
• If children are nonverbal, observe and respond to their curiosity. For example, if a child is staring at or patting the head of a child whose hair is very different from hers, you can say, "He has straight hair, and you have curly hair."
• Model the behaviors and attitudes you want children to develop. Pay particular attention to situations that can either promote prejudice or inhibit a child's openness to diversity. Make sure your program reflects diversity in books, magazines, dolls, puzzles, paintings, music, and so on.
• Don't let racist and prejudicial remarks go by without intervening. It's important to let children know from a very early age that name-calling of any kind, whether it's about someone's religion, race, ethnic background, or sexual orientation, is hurtful and wrong.
• Try to create opportunities for children to interact and make friends with people who are different from them. As you know, children learn best from concrete experiences.
• Involve families in sharing their traditions. In fact, instead of deciding yourself which tradition you would like to expose children to, ask families what they would like to share.
• Try to expose children to role models from their own culture as well as to those from other cultures. Remember: Seeing adults developing positive relationships with people who are different offers an important model and teaches children to value such relationships.

As professionals who work with families, our willingness to talk openly about identity and to help foster a positive sense of self in children can make an enormous difference in affirming the rich diversity of our human community and helping children make bridges across cultures and traditions. Some people fear that by affirming children's identities in terms of home cultures and traditions, we may be promoting separatism. That is not the case. The more that children have a solid grounding and understanding about who they are and where they came from, the more they learn to move with grace and confidence among communities different from their own, and the closer we get to building a world of respect, curiosity, sharing, and humanity.


An Approach for Teaching Diversity

A Dozen Suggestions for Enhancing Student Learning

by Jim Winship

The key word in this title is “An”—this is “an approach” not “the approach” to teaching about diversity. The dozen suggestions here were derived from an extensive literature review, conversations with a number of people nationwide who are knowledgeable about the subject, the contributions of a dozen UWW faculty during a LEARN Center discussion group on “Teaching about Diversity, Teaching in Multicultural Contexts” in the Spring of 2003, and my own twenty-five-plus years of college teaching, twenty-two of these at UW-Whitewater. At UW-Whitewater, I teach a diversity course that draws students from all four colleges at the university and I also integrate diversity-related content and skill development in the social work courses I teach.

The following list of twelve suggestions is not exhaustive. They are ones that are supported by published literature on teaching for diversity, on effective college teaching, and are ones that both colleagues here at UW-Whitewater and I have found effective in teaching our undergraduate students. Faculty are encouraged to adopt those that fit with their discipline and teaching style, and adapt the exercises, simulations, and other materials on this website to their specific courses. The twelve suggestions are roughly sequential—starting with course planning and the start of a class, followed by ideas and approaches that can be used throughout a semester, ending with the importance of providing and receiving feedback.

·         Become increasingly aware of our own identities, fears, and biases as we teach about diversity issues. Our own identities—racial, gender, social class, and others—are more present when we treat topics of diversity in a course than when dealing with less controversial issues. As the subject matter is both broad and also emotionally charged for students, faculty members often question their own abilities teach about and manage diversity-related discussions.

·         Differentiate between your goals for the class and learner objectives, and be clear with students on the objectives and grading.     Students' apprehension about diversity-related learning is partly due to their concerns that they need to have a perspective on issues that mirrors the instructor's. Clearly stated objectives and transparent grading can reduce the level of this apprehension.

·         Work on developing the students' ability to reflect and use higher order thinking skills as much as possible.    Studying diversity-related material and remembering/repeating it on exams may not lead to students being able to meet diversity-related objectives. Reflecting on readings, discussions, and exercises can Students are more likely to internalize course learning when they compare and contrast situations across groups, time, or geography, apply course contents, and use course material to critique statements or positions.

·         Create a safe and engaging classroom climate.   Students will not (and should not) engage in open discussion in class if they fear what will happen. Clearly written ground rules for discussion and modeling both openness and safety leads to more honest interactions.

·         Use building blocks and key concepts as a basis for consideration of diversity issues.  The word “diversity” for many white students is interpreted as “them.” Concepts such as culture, identity, communication, power and privilege, stereotypes and prejudice, and discrimination and oppression can provide a framework for students to understand difference. The concepts can be used to comprehend the impact of attitudes, laws, and other societal forces on the treatment by society and opportunities for advancement on members of marginalized groups.

·         Structure the course so that students learn from interaction with course material, not relying on minority students to educate their peers. In a class with both majority and minority students, it is not the job of minority students to help other students understand issues such as prejudice, exclusion, and discrimination. The instructor can focus student attention on Information on demographic realities, selected reading, or a video segment can be the starting point for students to analyze or respond to the information, an author's point of view, or a character's actions.

·         Connect when possible to students' experience and interests. There are separate and connected ways of knowing. When students apply course concepts to their personal and family life and/or to their proposed career, course learning is more likely to be appreciated and applied.

·         Use relevant exercises and simulations to engage students. Exercises and simulations can allow students to “step outside themselves” and see things from a different perspective. The experience of a class in a simulation or exercise can be used as a reference point during the semester during the presentation/discussion of course concepts.

·         Move from lower risk to higher risk activities during the semester. Some diversity-related topics are more highly emotionally charged than others. Plan a course so that students acquire needed content and concepts and the class becomes accustomed to talking about diversity-related issues before moving to “hot button” issues.

·         Plan classroom discussions at least as carefully as lectures controversial situations. Discussions are more likely to be effective when the teacher is clear on the reasons for conducting discussions, adopts approaches for making the discussions productive, and is comfortable with the various roles that the teacher must play in discussions.

·         Be prepared for conflict and/or reluctance from students as they are being asked to examine long-held beliefs. Some issues are controversial because they concern the distribution of valuable resources, such as employment in the case of affirmative action. Other issues address strongly help beliefs values. Resistance by some students to some diversity-related learning should not only be expected but can be seen as valuable for learning by both individuals and for an entire class.

·         Receive and provide feedback both to individual students and to a class. Classroom Assessment Techniques can be used to provide the instructor with important ongoing information on what students are learning and how they are reacting to course material. Written feedback (aside from grading) can increase faculty-student communication.