Changing Our Attitude Changes Our Legacy

Until the Trayvon Martin episode, racial inequity in America pretty much simmered below the surface. People had their opinions and feelings about it but, as a nation we weren't really talking about it.

Now, we're talking about it all across the country. Last weekend, rallies and vigils took place in more than 100 locations. Politicians and other leaders -- even ordinary citizens -- are saying 'they' should institute policies and programs to even out the opportunities.

Well, with the Supreme Court's recent ruling on the Voting Rights Act, it's obvious that, while political solutions are essential, they aren't necessarily lasting, and they cannot changeattitudes driving the day-to-day personal encounters between races; the slights, the denial of jobs and advancement, and so on.

A growing number of black and white people are agreeing it's time to find a lasting solution, and it has to involve ordinary people. Pres. Obama and Sen. McCain have both called for conversations on every level from legislators to civic leaders, to neighbors and friends. CNN anchor Chris Cuomo called for a national examination of attitudes, and conversations in order to begin understanding each other.

Changing the racial inequity we may have been advancing requires huge changes in our core values, but how can we effect change when we can't even look each other in the eye?

Why Should We Change?
It is essential for privileged white people to answer the question, 'Why should I give up any of my power and privilege? I'm pretty comfortable, myself.' The same question, 'Why should I?' also applies to underprivileged blacks who, underneath the rage and frustration they express, may be simply reluctant to open themselves up to the possibilities of additional pain and disappointment.

Knowing that any of our young people, or any of us older folks for that matter, could be subject to a similar fate as Trayvon Martin, and with the unspoken, but certainly real, possibility of violent eruptions nationwide if progress is not made, it behooves each and every one of us to decide to take part in leading us to a better way.

But for every single American, the most compelling reason to begin trying to change, is probably for our children. Rather than leaving them this huge racial problem as generations before us have left, we can leave them the gift of a slowly improving society, moving toward equal opportunities for everyone.

Fifty percent of our global population now is under 25 years of age; they are watching us, and they don't like what they see; from every corner of the world, they said so on August 12 this year, at the UN International Youth Day. "Nothing can stop us from dreaming," said one young woman.

The Most Powerful Conversations
The question at this point is, what sort of conversations would be effective? All too often conversations across divides tend to wind up in shouting matches -- each side interested in making their own point -- with virtually no one listening to really understand the other's perspective.

When contemplating such huge shifts as core values and beliefs, the most powerfully effective conversations begin within ourselves, in our own minds. And they are the best conversations because they tend, eventually, to be totally honest.

In changing our thinking about other people (not only races; anyone we may see as different from us), we have to remove labels and adjectives so that we just see them as people, without the labels. Listen to your own inner voice; don't you hear judgements about everyone you may think about?

We each have to begin building respect and trust among us; only then will we have the courage to look each other in the eye, and begin to understand each other.

Internal dialogs are powerful but they're not enough. We must also develop skills in conflict resolution and negotiation, but it all starts with our own self-talk.

Change is scary and difficult; the payoff is that, as we begin finding the better way, we start leading our youth to finding it also, and they may change the entire social order of America. That will be our legacy. I'm ready to begin, and hope you are too.

 

Follow Molly Alexander Darden on Twitter: www.twitter.com/MollyDarden

Apple's Apology, Our Lesson

China is Apple's second largest and fastest growing market and American firms are eager to be part of it, but on Monday Apple apologized to Chinese consumers for consumer-unfriendly warranty practices.

Apple's ability to innovate is decreasing, forcing them to rely more on customer relations in China than on rolling out the 'newer and better.' If they are to survive and thrive there, they must solidify relationships, not only with consumers but with the government as well.

By either not fully understanding, or not giving enough importance to the Chinese relationship concept they call guanxii Apple lost ground, putting themselves in a position of reaction rather than proaction.

In today's increasingly global economy, it is no longer enough to sell perception of sincerity and integrity; we must live it through and through if we are going to build strong, lasting relationships, and grow our businesses. It may be necessary to re-examine our values and how we convey our belief in them, to those we teach and train, both personally and professionally.

Why? Because if we don't, we can get careless and slip as Apple apparently did. Perhaps they were arrogant, as the Chinese media claimed; at any rate, they did not take seriously enough their responsibility for standing behind their warranties.

As globalization increases, the need increases for producing, not only quality products and services, but an unprecedented level of quality individuals and policies to sell and maintain them.

In the case of Apple's apology, they broke three of the five requirements for successful business endeavors with China, that Barbara Wang mentions in her book, Chinese Management: 5 Critical Differences Apple lost face, neglected to maintain the relationship (guanxii), and broke harmony.

While these elements may seem strange or even silly to Americans for whom the highest value has been the bottom line, no matter what we have to do to increase it, it is important to remember that we are attempting to play now on the Chinese playing field where success is based more communally than individually.

While Gen X and Baby Boomers may have grown up with the 'winning is all that matters' philosophy, that won't work with succeeding generations. What and how we teach them, moving into a shifting world order, will determine their future.

In "How to Prepare Our Youth to Succeed in the Emerging Global Middle Class," I give an overview of ways we can inculcate the very real values of future success into our lives so that they will become what we do, and what we are, as well as what we say.

The success of future generations depends on it, and the time to start teaching them is now. And while we're doing that, we have to teach ourselves, working hard to change our paradigm from rewarding disparately the top levels of commerce at the expense of the middle; we have to become more inclusive -- not because we're forced to, but because inclusivity creates a 'win-win' result.

Rewarding the middle class improves loyalty and stability; equally including women provides balance, loyalty and a wider market; bringing in more diversity provides a wider range of perspective, loyalty and increased market share.

A more communal, integrity-based way of thinking isn't 'giving in to them,' it's just good common sense for the American way of life. And, in the end, we all do have to make it together. Globally.

 

Preparing Our Youth to Succeed in the Global Middle Class

According to Kishore Mahbubani, author of The Great Convergence: Asia, the West and the Logic of One World and The New Asian Hemisphere: The Irresistible Shift of Global Power to the East, it's quite likely that, in the next 37 years, America and the rest of the West will take a real backseat to Asia. So, what are we going to do about it?

Having lost the global lead economically, in human rights, climate control, employment, technology and more according to the U.S. Task Force on Global Standing, we are still strong in higher education, though we hold the No. 1 position in small arms imports and exports and deaths by violence -- not particularly admirable places to dominate.

We must face the fact that the perceived No. 1 global position no longer belongs to us; we haven't been the best in the world, in global standing, for some time. On the plus side, though, is that in the 21st century, we are part of an exciting new converging global middle class -- and that's a whole new ballgame.

So, how do we adjust our Western focus from striving to be No. 1, to this changing world order? We can choose to accept it and live cooperatively for global productivity, or reject it and live angrily and fearfully. I heartily opt for the former. How do we prepare the next generations to navigate the shifting paradigm successfully, both professionally and socially?

I leave the myriad political and economic details of this change to experts in those fields, such as Mahbubani and others. Economically, Nick Vitalari and Hayden Shaughnessy offer their suggestions in The Elastic Enterprise: The New Manifesto for Business Revolution. "Our objective is to help create the conversation around their new enterprise models and how leaders in the developed economies are responding to a new phase of globalization... where emerged-economy companies are beneficiaries of a rapidly growing, new global middle class," reads the Manifesto for Vitalari and Shaughnessy's book.

Our American culture of domination in the Western Hemisphere probably began in 1865 with the Monroe Doctrine, but our concept of global dominance emerged after World War II, so we have been at the business of proudly asserting ourselves as No. 1 for some time.

Shifting our paradigm from domination to cooperation is a huge undertaking. It can be painful and disheartening, but we can't stop it and, although it may take place in full measure, in succeeding generations, we can begin to groom our young people in the required skills for success in the new world order.

Although the legacy we wish to leave of wealth and wealth-building tools are certainly helpful, they can be transitory. Perhaps of equal or greater importance are the tools of leadership and cooperation which can have a more lasting effect during adverse changes.

As a number of elementary, middle and high schools already teach communication and relationship skills, as do such other programs as the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts of America, it would be comparatively easy to include components for successfully navigating global interpersonal relationships.

A good many of these tools apply in business as well as social experiences. The challenge here lies in maintaining our own cultural identity while gaining acceptance in nearly opposite cultures.

Dr. Phil McGraw has a saying, "Find their currency and buy into it." In other words, know what is most important to the other person, and adapt to that. This may require thoughtful practice to maintain our own identity while doing so, but I believe we can accomplish it.

Craig Runde, Director of the Center for Conflict Dynamics at Eckerd College, puts it another way, "Try to see things through the eyes of other people.  Reading more about people from other places and other cultures can take some of the mystery and fear out of the change.  This is because we have much more in common - everyone cries in sorrow when they lose loved ones and laughs in joy when good things happen."

China, at the moment, is the up-and-coming dominant society, with Japan getting stronger. While some of the Asian communication values are nearly opposite to ours, others are easily adaptable, and we must find ways of adapting to all of them; of course, it is possible that Asians will be working equally to communicate effectively with us, also.

In order to thoroughly explain all the following techniques, a book could be written on each; the following is intended as a brief overview to get the ball rolling.

In her book Chinese Leadership, Barbara Wang lists five primary communication styles important in Chinese culture, and I follow, in italics with our Western style and suggestions for accommodating both; of course, some points will apply on more than one level:

Saving face. Showing respect by preserving the other person's dignity. Refusing an invitation or a gift for a flimsy reason causes the other person to lose dignity ('face'). Saving face is more profound than just preserving their feelings.

Heightened awareness to the way our reactions and responses will be perceived by others.

Building trust by developing guanxii. "The notion of guanxi is a much more complex idea than the Western concept of networking," says Barbara Wang author of Chinese Leadership. She continues, "It is the platform for social and business activities in China, and consists of connections defined by reciprocity, trust and mutual obligations."

Networking, with strong emphasis on integrity and honesty in order to build trust. If we say we'll be there, or do it then do it well, without excuses.

Harmony; blending in.

Don't jump in with a new idea or suggestion, trying to push it through; wait and offer it in a mild style, listening carefully to others' opinions. Take the balance of all parties, not just ourselves, into account.

Chinese take longer to make decisions.

Allow the situation to take what may seem an inordinate time to deliberate before deciding.

Indirect communication.

Although we Westerners often see value in making quicker decisions than Asians, we should graciously give them the space they need. Build relationships through indirect communication.

Be patient, and draw the other person out gradually, rather than jumping in to push our ideas forcefully. Listen carefully and completely, noting areas of agreement, and build on them later. For the most efficient direct communication with Asian people, Ms. Wang suggests, it may be best to do so privately.

A big part of American non-verbal communication skills involve direct eye contact and, sometimes, touching -- patting someone on the shoulder, arm or back -- but these acts are better avoided with Asians, as they would be seen as aggressive.

What will work is measured conflict resolution and negotiation skills modified to fit Asian style. Adaptability, problem-solving and team-building skills in any interpersonal relationships are also invaluable. Adjusting our communication skills does not demean us; it enhances us by broadening our scope of successful interaction.

The bottom line for all this is that we will probably not be around when this shift in world order is in full bloom; but maybe our children, and almost definitely our grandchildren will be, so the best legacy we can leave them is the tools and skills for successfully navigating the world in which they find themselves because, no matter their changing fortunes, these skills will remain constantly in their service.

RESOURCES
Chinese Leadership (Barbara Wang and Harold Chee. Palgrave MacMillan UK, 2011)
Negotiate Like a Phoenician (Dr. Habib Chamoun-Nicolas with Randy Doyle Hazlett, Ph.D. KeyNegotiations, 2008)
Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader (Craig E. Runde and Tim A. Flanagan. John Wiley & Sons, 2nd ed. 2012)
The Five Percent (Peter T. Coleman. Perseus Book Group, 2011)
The Black Swan: Impact of the Highly Improbable (Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Random House Trade Paperbacks, 2010)

 

If We Are Political Extremists, How Can We Make That Work?

The following discussion results from a segment on HuffPost Live called The Psychology of Political Extremism hosted by Josh Zepps, in which I participated along with Howard Fineman (Huffington Post Media Editorial Director), Philip Fernbach (Assistant Professor of Marketing at the University of Colorado and Bethany Blankley (eeligion and politics analyst).

You might be like most people who probably consider themselves moderates. So, let's find out if you're actually closer to being a political extremist. Do you continually post comments and links on social media that promote only your position -- whether it's political, religious, racial, whatever -- and you criticize the opposite side without acknowledging any merit at all to their position?

Along with criticizing the other belief position from yours ("I hate Republicans/Democrats"), you may focus on protecting your own position by whatever means it takes; you may be untruthful, evading, telling part of the story when you know there is more. You can also be changing the subject when you're questioned, trying to turn their criticism back on to them, or just ignoring whatever their counter might be, even though you know it makes some sense. If so, then you may be a political extremist and there is a way to making this work for us all.

If, on the other hand, you convey and solicit complete, balanced opinions of current issues -- they can be family issues as well as "big" political ones -- you're one of the rare birds, probably more interested in solving problems than in campaigning for and maintaining your position, intact. You are courageous enough to acknowledge that both sides in most disagreements have elements of truth.

In America some politicians have, for all intents and purposes, dropped out of the fray by signing secret pledges not to vote on certain issues if they contain any reference to tax increases. And some politicians have vowed that, however much it hurts our country, they will obstruct President Obama's efforts so, of course, they have withdrawn from attempts to resolve issues.

This article is not for unwilling politicians or other individuals. It's for those who have opted to operate, at least to some degree, on principle to promote policies which are beneficial to all.

Each of us sees the world through the lens of our core paradigm -- our own unique set of values with which we identify -- and that paradigm determines how we react to and participate in the world around us. It is what makes us choose to identify as Republican or Democrat, conservative or liberal, and so on.

Adhering to only one fundamental value system without acknowledging acceptable aspects of an opposing system keeps us spinning our wheels. Combining the best aspects of both value systems, though, can be dynamite -- blasting us out of the status quo and into a future in which we Americans can still lead by example.

Coming to terms with sharply opposing viewpoints is neither easy nor quick but, for the good of us all, we must try. It takes patience and the strong will and determination to resolve our differences, and we can use a particular set of communication skills to facilitate the process.

The challenge lies in finding the way to maintain our core paradigm (identity, set of values by which we view the world) while functioning successfully as more centric Americans. Meeting this challenge certainly is possible for each side if we know how to do it and we're determined to keep striving for it, even when it seems we're making no progress.

It will help to understand why so many of us unyieldingly simplify, protect and defend our one-sided positions so fiercely, according to our core paradigm, which we may label as "liberal" or "conservative," exclusionary or inclusionary.

Philip Fernbach suggests that most unyielding people are operating under "the illusion of explanatory depth." This means, he says, that:

"A lot of people's attitudes and beliefs are based on people who have fairly strong opinions about complex policies but if you ask them to explain in a mechanistic way, 'so, what are the steps by which these policies will accomplish the goals that you want them to,' their sense of understanding decreases and they become more moderate."

Under questioning, we may find that we know much less about our position than we thought we did. And that, likely, is why we go to such measures to protect and defend it as we do.

Political issues are generally complex -- the economy, climate change, health care plan, etc.; the challenge for conscientious politicians and journalists is objectively condensing them into an interesting form that the ordinary person can understand. (Remember Joe SixPack and Phil the Plumber?)

To say, "I don't support gay marriage" is a value-based (religious) approach, to which not all Americans adhere. "Guns don't kill, people do" is another value-based statement that ignores the fact that people pull the triggers. Neither of those approaches goes far in completely describing or resolving the issues for the majority.

"Genuine political leaders will acknowledge the value aspect, then move it to a consequenceposition, which removes the emotions and transfers discussion to actual facts which participants can discuss calmly to find a mutually acceptable solution," says Howard Fineman. Doing so doesn't leave each paradigm totally intact, of course, but it does keep the best, highest forms of them both, and that's a win-win solution.

Like most of America, probably, my family and friends are polarized politically. For a long time, I oversimplified by mentally labeling us as "inclusionary/exclusionary, greedy/altruistic, racially prejudiced/racially open-minded." I fell for the "illusion of explanatory depth," but I see now that the positions are not as cut-and-dried as we might, at first, believe.

Now, because I'm looking for them, I'm beginning to see excellent applications for my beliefs from the Republican side along with my Democratic ones.

My staunchly Republican cousin recently presided over his daughter's marriage, beautifully combining both conservative and liberal paradigms. The couple chose to make the occasion a principle-based rather than a materially based event.

Rather than going into debt by putting on a show of ostentation, they had a simple country wedding in which they solicited numerous family members and friends to assist in making decorations and food. They became participants rather than merely observers. For guest favors in the symbol-laden celebration, the bride's mother baked approximately 200 loaves of bread, beginning in February, for the wedding in May.

Anyway, when I applied the concept of that style of wedding to the GOP concept of fiscal responsibility, along with my Democratic belief in inclusion, I could understand the GOP's position; my cousins did as much as they could themselves, thereby avoiding debt. They put on an inclusionary celebration on their terms. I can certainly relate to that!

So, how do we find other ways to actually accomplish the seemingly impossible task of finding centrist solutions that allow each side to maintain their core paradigm both at home and in Congress?

For starters, in our discussions we can remember President John F. Kennedy's admonition, "Remember, those are people on the other side."

With that in mind, we ask the person with opposing beliefs to explain the reasons for their position in as much detail as possible, and we listen carefully without countering, looking them in the eye the whole time. Not only do we allow them to finish, we ask questions to make sure we understand exactly where they're coming from. As we do all that, we constantly look for elements that coincide with our position, making mental note of them.

Then, we repeat the whole position back to them, asking if we got it right from their perspective. Once they agree that we do understand, they know we "get" them. We have validated their position without necessarily agreeing with it.

This is a huge element in having them, then, willing to listen to our position, and the process is reversed.

For both sides, in describing our views, we eliminate adjectives, labels and name-calling, keeping to the bare facts. This brings attention to the issues themselves without the element of prejudicial heat.

After both sides successfully validate each other, it is possible to move to discussing the issues themselves, and options for resolution, by bringing up mutually agreed-on points; the issues have then become centrist (consequence-based) so resolutions can be found that, while not 100 percent satisfactory for both sides, have enough elements from each to justify the conclusion.

And, thus, we can all become problem solvers keeping our core paradigms, while doing our part to restore our position as First-Rate Americans because the process begins at home and should permeate every strata of our society.

We can do it; let's go!

What the N-Word Means to Me

As I watched Don Lemon's program, "The N-Word," Monday evening, I was tremendously moved, and so glad I watched.

You see, as a woman born in Birmingham, AL in the early '40s, I've been thoroughly enmeshed all my life with black culture all my life, in good ways and bad.

It was important for me to watch and listen carefully as Lemon and his panelists Wynton Marsalis, LeVar Burton, Tim Wise, Dr. Marc Lamont Hill, and others shared their experiences with the word because, as they spoke movingly with passion but not heat, they led to the beginning of racial conversations we should have separately and together in order to acknowledge our joint heritage, try to understand each other, and move forward together.

It's clear from the attention we've given to the Paula Deen and Trayvon Martin issues that America does care about race and, until now, we haven't talked so productively about it. I think it's time though because, together, we have so much to offer in providing a cohesive more positive atmosphere of understanding and trust in which our country can grow. At the same time, we'll be laying the foundation for a much better America as a legacy for our children and other future generations.

We white people of today didn't create the hideous conditions of decades past, but we are certainly influential in what happens today.

Here, I'll follow Lemon's lead and use the actual words, to convey the power they bring and make them more real to us.

My parents, born in 1913 and 1916 in Birmingham, Alabama, along with their siblings and parents, were molded by conditions in which they were indoctrinated. This doesn't excuse them but, for white Southerners then, 'it was just the way things were', according to my Mom years later.

My earliest memories are of our maid pushing the stroller with my baby sister, as we went for walks. Then, when I was about 8 or so, we had moved to Miami -- my then-five siblings, parents and me -- and we children all fell in love with our housekeeper Thelma because, for us, she epitomized the love my Mom hadn't yet learned to give.

Mom had been orphaned at the age of six, and shunted around among relatives who didn't really want her, so she had to learn on her own about building a cohesive, loving family. Her idea back then was that ladies didn't actually pay much attention to their children; they went to bridge club and the like most of the time.

So, that's why we loved Thelma so much. That huge chocolate-colored woman with a few teeth missing in a smile that seemed to stretch across her whole face, would arrive every morning with sweets and 'surprises'. She'd scoop up two of us kids at a time, in the biggest old hug, and we'd melt into her. At nap time every day, she'd draw the three of us who weren't toddlers all onto her lap together, and croon us to sleep. She put us down in batches of 'the little kids' and 'the big kids'. My brother, sister and I were the big kids.

Thelma and her husband James owned the little home they lived in, and an investment home in Palm Beach for extra income. James would cut our grass on his off days from work.

And, though Thelma could cook like a dream, she absolutely refused to let anyone in her kitchen, let alone teach us how to cook. I can't begin to tell you how much that wonderful woman's love meant to us. Sixty-five years later, we still tear up remembering her, as we do every single time we get together.

Later, as my Dad got transferred in his job with Metropolitan Life Insurance Co., we had other maids in other places, but no one ever lived up to Thelma.

Of course, in those years, white society said that black people and white people had distinct places, and they were meant to be kept separate and unequal. Black people saw it differently, of course, and the turbulence began when I was a little girl. (I don't mean the injustice began then; it began centuries before.)

We didn't talk about it, but I'd see the MovieTone newsreels and TV reports about the hideous hosing of black children trying to go to school with white kids. I'll never forget the horror I felt then. The white people in those films were as vicious as the dogs they used to intimidate those poor children.

We'd see, of course, the separate facilities for black people and white and I began to wonder why that was. too.

Then, in 1959 (five years before the Civil Rights Act), I entered high school in one of the nation's first integrated classes. It's as clear in my memory as it was in life, then. We were all, black kids and white, excited to be part of this new thing, but so very scared of messing it up by making some mistake with a comment or accidentally brushing against each other. It could be anything inadvertent that they or us might commit because we had been raised to think it was normal.

With the grace of God, though, it all went without incident in that first momentous year of integration at Norfolk Catholic High School, and we went on to subsequent years -- learning to get along with, if not really understand, each other.

The years went by and, although conditions changed dramatically, attitudes didn't keep up. And that's where we are today.

I didn't cause the horrible things and the attitudes I inherited but, as I processed it all over the years, I vowed to do everything I could to make it better. And I do, celebrating the courage of my sheroes -- Xernona Clayton , founder of the Trumpet Awards, who drove Dr. King to the airport when he flew to Memphis, Tn. and the end of his life. Miss Xernona still lives in Atlanta and I'm happy to say we've talked about things, and she knows how I revere her.

Then, there's Charlayne Hunter-Gault, a year younger than me, who persisted in applying to segregated Georgia State University, until the law said they had to take her. She and Hamilton Holmes walked through the doors there on January 9, 1961, and on into history.

Who do you suppose was her first inspiration to be a first-rate journalist, which she did? It was Brenda Starr! Young Charlayne would lie on the floor reading the Sunday funnies while her grandmother read the Atlanta Journal, Atlanta Daily World and the Atlanta Constitution. Ms. Hunter-Gault, who says her mother taught her that "dreams propel ambition', knows I'm featuring her as one example in my upcoming book, "Vision and Voices for Girls".

And there've been so many more -- not all women, of course, but I relate to them more.

Well, we'll all be dead someday, but our children and grandchildren will live on with whatever lessons we've instilled in them.

I say, let us be the generation our children can say made all the difference. Let's move ahead together, as hard as it'll be, and write our own chapter in history by learning to acknowledge the past -- face it head on --- and find a new way for a better America. If we don't lead the way, who will?

Dear Don Lemon, When I See a Black Man...

As you might know, I’m an old Southern white woman, and when I see a black man, like I do with anyone else, I look into their eyes first. If they look OK, then I’m OK.

The man across the street from me is as black as night, and the most wonderful father to his two little biracial girls you could ever imagine. 

When school is out, the black boys who walk by on the way to where ever they go to enjoy their days off, stop and chat now. I notice when they learn a new trick on their skateboards, and they try over and over to show it to me again. Of course, in the beginning I had to push a little to get them to stop and visit. Not only am I white, but I’m old -- no wonder they were a little hesitant, maybe feeling a little uncertain of their chatting skills, but they’re a lot better now.

On school days, when Pokey (my dog) and I pass them on the way to the school bus, I wish them a happy day and, now, they smile and respond.

I’ve met their grandmother, who lives in the cul de sac at the end of our street, and we enjoy visiting whenever she’s walking her dog. A lovely woman who shares the same values of discipline, hard work and graciousness as I do, she is a bit reserved about carrying the acquaintanceship further, as are most of the neighbors -- black, white and Asian.

On the other end of my street lives a black woman, an insurance agent, whose  little black dog Sebastian is a particular favorite of mine. One day, as she was walking and I was in my house, a loose pit bull frightened my friend. That dog had challenged me, another time. Terrified, she rang my doorbell -- maybe my house was the closest, but I believe she knew she’d be safe with me.

Anyway, we waited together for a little while; I told her how I had intimidated that pit bull, and offered to drive her home. By then, though, she felt better, and said she’d be OK.

I wave at all my neighbors, driving by in the morning and the evening; often, I can’t even see into the darkened car windows to see who they are. Doesn’t matter, they’re my neighbors and everyone likes to be greeted and wished well. Life isn’t that easy for people these days.

And here are two creepy, or beautiful, stories depending on how you see them: One day, my former husband and I decided to cut down a small hawthorne tree. So, I took the chainsaw and hacked away at it until it fell. Then, we started dragging it across the lawn, intending to get it down the street a short ways, and up to an area on the side where I pile up small trees and woody branches.

We looked up to see a burly black man we didn’t know, who offered to help. We didn’t see or hear him come up. Gladly we accepted, and he did most of the work, until the tree was where we wanted it. 

Thanking him, I asked his name and offered to give him something for his help; he said he didn’t need anything to help someone else. He looked surprised when I asked his name. “Clarence”, he said, and I put out my hand. “Would you like a glass of water or lemonade?” I asked, and he said he had to get going. We shook hands, and he walked away up the hill. We didn’t see where he went, and never saw him again.

On another occasion, my elderly Mom was driving home on a rainy night when her car stalled on the expressway. She was able to get it over to the side, but didn’t know exactly what she’d do next. 

Then she saw the lights of a car behind her. A black man got out walked up and asked her if she needed help. Gratefully, Mom explained the problem and he lifted the hood. Soon, her engine was purring again, she thanked him and said she’d drive to the next gas station to make sure everything was OK; he said he’d follow her, to make sure she made it;. Relieved that he would look out for her, she thanked him again, and kept glancing back to make sure he was still there; he was. Driving into the station, she again looked for his lights, and the truck had disappeared.

My Mom, also a journalist, and I share a good dose of skepticism about “woo-woo”-type things. But we’re also spiritual, and we believe those black men were sent to us from a higher place. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t; it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that Mom and I, both born in Birmingham, AL , knew we had nothing to fear because we looked into those men’s eyes, and what we saw was just fine.

Don, I can’t feel what you feel; no one can feel what another person does, but my heart can cry for the pain you expressed on CNN that day. I can relate in one way; until my Mom died at 95 two years ago, I’d still call to tell her I got home OK. My brother and his family live an hour away, and I call them too after visiting. 

I think maybe the reason Mom and I feel the way we do is that our lives have been intertwined with those of black people from our beginning -- of course, the circumstances of how we interacted years and years ago weren’t great, and we’ve changed as have the times, but somehow we developed trust; I can’t explain it, and don’t feel I need to, it’s just there.

I want you to know that, like black men, we white people are not all the same; some of us are OK and, when we reach out our hands to you it’s OK to take them, look us in the eyes as we will to you, and take a chance on walking along together on this scary, exciting new road to social acceptance. As Steve Harvey says every day, “We can do this together”. 

We the People Can Bless the USA

"We the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

Really? So, what happened? We the people have allowed the worst of us to take over. We the people have sunk to our lowest level so far because, by now we should have moved much closer to the realization of our ideals.

But we haven't.

We say, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

"Yo prometo lealtad a la bandera de los Estados Unidos de America, y a la Republica que representa, una Nacion bajo Dios, entera, con libertad y justicia para todos."

So, what happened? Our justice system serves primarily white people, our legislative system primarily serves the people who corrupt and obstruct it. We the people lost sight of the values, strength and discipline that could have made our country great.

Are we OK with who we've become? Do we just accept it as 'the way things are'? Or do we want to create the America that our founders intended?

It's not too late to turn it around, but it is in our hands -- not anyone else's -- to change America. We have developed the attitude that they (others) must solve the problems. "The Department of Justice has to change; our lawmakers have to change," etc. No sir, no ma'am, we have to change first, together -- blacks, Hispanics, whites, multis -- we all have to combine our strength in order to leverage the change we seek. Together, we are powerful; separately, we are just weakly squabbling.

Change has to begin with ordinary people -- with you and me, with our families and our friends; with our neighbors and co-workers. It begins with each and every one of us all across this land.

We're afraid of our neighbors and everyone else whom we think might be different from us. Of course, we all carry seeds of racism and other harmful qualities, whether we face them or not. We begin by changing our own self-talk -- what we think -- about people of other races, socioeconomic levels, education, gender, age, religion and everything else that distinguishes us, one from another.

When we catch ourselves mentally labeling another person, we can change that label by eliminating whatever adjective we attached to it, change the sentence in our inner dialog, and just think of them by their given names. Period.

We can realize that most people are operating within the framework of their own traditions, experiences and life situations. We cannot judge others according to our own frame of reference, because we are each unique. No one else on the globe is exactly like you. Or me. Or anyone else. And we have to get along with each other, or be constantly afraid.

Rachel Jeantel, the black teen who testified at the Zimmerman-Martin trial, was ridiculed by both black and white people for her lack of formal education. Speaking with Piers Morgan several days after the trial ended, however, she demonstrated again (for people who would notice) that, not only is she a dignified, soft-spoken young woman, she is also wise and understanding of cultural differences, explaining some of them on the program.

Calmly, she confronted judgmental statements she regarded as inaccurate, ('Trayvon was a thug'), explaining them from her point of view. Taken on her own terms, Ms. Jeantel projects as an admirable young woman with dreams and aspirations -- not so different from any of us.

In order to move our society closer to the ideals our founders stated for us, we monitor our self-talk, and our children's terminology, working to keep it non-judgmental. Working is the operative word here, because it's not always easy. We like to see ourselves as ideal, when we're not.

We move out of our homogenous comfort area, and begin to engage productively with individuals whom we might have otherwise avoided. We avoid the temptation to reply in kind if they speak judgmentally.

And we have to learn to listen. By truly listening, making eye contact, until the other person has fully expressed themselves, we can begin to find areas of commonality which we can strengthen with practice. If we are courageous enough to look them in their eyes as they speak, perhaps they will take the chance and look at us, and we can begin to connect.

Now comes the hardest part. We have to begin engaging with groups of people we have avoided all our lives, in order to explore ways we can begin on the ground level to increase understanding and acceptance.

Because, unless we do it together, we won't do it. Effect change; make it happen. Fulfill the ideals of our nation's founders. The past is over; whatever it was and why, is gone; we can't change it, and there's no point reliving it. We don't forget, of course; we have to make sure not to repeat ugly parts of our past. We have got to find ways to move forward, though, to create a better United States of America, together. And that means erasing racism and other value judgments.

Once we've begun a groundswell, we can unite to form powerful voting blocks, we can begin to run for office, we can make the changes we wish to see. And, with more than 50 percent of the world's population under 25, we can inspire and lead our youth to their own greatness. This is what we mean when we say, "God bless us all, and God bless the United States of America!"